Thursday, March 5, 2009

This too shall pass...

Well actually it wont, but it will ebb away again for a little while.

Anyone who's spoken to me, for more than half an hour in my life, will know I am unashamedly.......

Baby Crazy!

Been so for as long as I can remember. I have wanted to do a variety of things in my life, from being a Montessori teacher (too openly gay), to a writer (ha!), and an airline attendant (too short), to a radio dj (voice too high pitched), a computer programmer (utterly crap at maths) and even Ireland's first female Taoiseach (USI would have had a lot to answer for)

Many as you can see have been put lovingly but firmly to rest... excepting one.... and given my "lifestyle" you'd be forgiven for thinking I have kept the hardest one on....

I want to be, nay I shall be, a mommy.

There are so many stories around this, and I know that this will not be the last time you have to read (skip over) my ramblings on this topic. Mostly I keep it under check, except for the totally spontaneous exclamation* of "Doh Doh Doh" when I see a baby, or "a fresh one" as I can sometimes be heard mewing... while my gaze follows it magnetically down the street, carried by its rather alarmed parent...

I don't know where it came from, only that it feels to me completely innate. To me, its the most natural expression of the very core, of what I am about on this planet.

If you are:
A: wondering why I would need to say this?
B: somewhat surprised that I feel like that?
C: mildly worried about what the hell the kid would turn out like?
or even
D: vaguely curious as to how I am going to go about this?

I will I am sure, in the fullness of time, answer all these questions. Most of which I share with you.

As I mentioned earlier, this compulsion has been with me from year dot. I think I was one of the few 8yr old's who compulsively watched BBC documentaries on pregnancy and child birth. I have in my hardrive every one of BBC's Child of our Time shows, or similar type. I buy and hide baby books.... and I terrify many people on the vastness of my bizarrely acquired, rarely asked for, yet freely imparted "knowledge" on the topic.

So why say it today? What brought this banging to the surface tonight as I sit here at my laptop.....

Last year I turned 30, and my plan had always been 32 marked the year, Insha'Allah, that I would start a family. I hoped I would be in a loving relationship at the time, and I am, and *fingers crossed* will remain so, as I love her dearly. That said, this is such a vital part of me that I probably would have tried to make it work had she not come into my life.

However, in the last 48hrs, 6 of my friends have either announced the birth of their babies, the imminent arrival of same, or their intention to pro actively go about the conception of same.... it was like being slapped in the face with a wet... nappy.

And by the power of oestrogen!

(Note: Implied Tundercats Roar)

My biologically clock came back from the snooze and began clanging loudly in my ear!

As you can imagine, this will, *ahem*, take a bit of forward planning.... and while this will not by any means become a Lesbo-baby-diary, I will keep you appraised of the situation.

If anyone has some words of wisdom, yelps of concern, condolences for my gf, offers of help??
I have ...womb... for you all (badum-tish!)

So there you go.... don't say I hold back.

*Thanks to all my lovely Twitter mates who helped thaw my brain freeze, and who will be mildly surprised that the question I asked related to this!
Cheers to @darraghdoyle, @allancavanagh, @lexia, @stiofainod, @jentertainment, & @damienmulley


Ann Donnelly said...

It's great that you know what you want. That's really the hardest part sometimes. When I was about your age, living the good life in London with no prospects of a decent relationship, I wasn't so much baby crazy, I felt like I needed something, but not sure what. Then I met a charming Irishman and the rest is history.

You have plenty of time. I was nearly 34 when #1 son was born and then 39 when the last child was born.

Sometimes I miss the freedom I had before the chldren, so make the most of it now while you are making your plans for when the baby (babies) come -- it sounds like you are more than ready. You'll be a great Mom!

Best of luck with it all.

ManicMammy said...

My first thought, is "go for it girl" (obviously living in Cork for too long).

I spent my 20s meandering through life, happy enough, doing my engineering thang with my engineer boyfriend. Got wed at 28 and our first son arrived on my 30th birthday. I had always assumed I'd have kids. Being the eldest of 7, I'd half reared my younger siblings ;-) and it was never a question of would I, just when would I?

Our thoughts once we'd had our first kid was "why did we wait so long?" and "let's have loads more". I love being a mother. Its a really shit job at times: exhausting, stressful, frustrating and guilt inducing. But it is wonderful and beyond words rewarding when you see your child for the first time and couldn't imagine them any different, when your child smiles, kisses you, hugs you, does something thoughtful or makes you immensely proud, or just is themselves, unique.

We are lucky just to look after them and guide them for a short while. They are individuals, not ours to own and I am acutely aware of how quickly their dependency and need for us passes.

I reckon human life at a totally basic level is all about what you experience. I would hate for mine to pass without all the ups and downs that having children entails.

Best of luck.
Sorry to have missed catching up with all at IBA09, next time you're in Cork...

jothemama said...

I was like this from about fourteen, gazing longingly at infants as I walked down the street, dreaming about labour and babies all the time, yearning.

I don't really know how I held off til 26.

Best of luck to you. 30? You two seemed like such a pair of giddy youngsters! Hang on to that, because children sap the energy and youth out of you like I never understood before! It's a definite asset.

Those were good aspirations by the way. Perhaps your offspring can be coached to become Ireland's first air hostess/dj/taoiseach.

Lottie said...

The whole concept of pregnancy really makes me a bit queazy - the thought of another human being growing inside you gives me a feeling a bit like claustrophobia.

And too short for an airline attendant? Surely shortness is a virtue.

travelling, but not in love said...

Maybe you could just settle for being a flight attendant on small planes?...cos babies? that's a whole load of work.

Not that I don't think you're up to it, I just don't know how anyone ever gets the courage to do it. Guess it's a wiring thing, and I'm not wired that way.

Now, being a flight attendant? That I could go for....

coffee, tea or me?

Jentertainment said...

I think that you'll make a great mother.

Elf in Amsterdam said...

@Ann - Well its the one thing I do know I want to do. Thanks for the encouragement, nearly everyone I know had one or two kids already , or by my age. By my age my mom had a 10 and a 2yr old. :)

@MM, such a pity we didn't get to meet alright. Next time... Wow what an amazing 30th birthday gift! :) Your comment made me all teary, I have half an idea as I (jokingly say) own a quarter of a 6yr old. My sister is a single parent of my 6yr old nephew and I am very involved with his raising. I miss him daily and my heart breaks to be away from him for almost a full year.

@Jo - lol, well that's good, I have plenty of energy! Actually I stayed away from your brood as my interest in playing on the floor with little ones can worry parents. I didn't want to freak you out. Am an incredibly willing babysitter! :)

@Lottie, that was my sister's reaction too... I will never forget the look on her face at 7mts when she realised that it wasn't a big joke and an actually human would come out of her body expecting to be fed. Would have been comical if it wasn't so shocking! :) - as for short you have to be seen over the back of the chairs when giving the safety demo, can you imagine a little hand stretching up waving the oxygen mask out of no where!

@travelling, lol, you are number one on my babysitting sign up sheet... you have a few years to practice! :P

@jen awh thanks petal *hug*

Anonymous said...

I had absolutely no idea that Montessori teaching had anything to do with gayness. (wide eyed amazement)

It's beautiful that you have so much love in you that you need to spill it out into someone else... it's a warm feeling, savour it, it's like the thrill of the chase.

When your future child opens a bottle of your favourite nail polish and paints your living room wall with the entire contents, you'll be hard pushed to remember that need!!!

Allan Cavanagh said...

I've been shovelling vomit out of the back seat of the car tonight. Just so you know what's ahead of you.

Elf in Amsterdam said...

@K8 - LOL, well it shouldn't, but it does if you are in small minded m'gar. *grin* yep, I've had many a lovely thing ruined by my crazy nephew, thankfully neither he nor I are too keen on nail varnish. But he finds other ways to wreak havoc.

@Allan - glad to see January's snow shovelling skills haven't gone to waste.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

That's great, honestly. I look forward to hearing more.

Just no queue jumping, okay?

Oh and... those BBC shows, hmmm... do you have 'Make me a baby' by any chance?

Elf in Amsterdam said...

@Xbox - no mate don't have that one! :) And no, I hereby promise no Q jumping... *dutifully stands in line behind Xbox*